Two years ago, I made the decision to separate and eventually divorce my husband of 25 years. A wonderful man, but I did not feel I was living my authentic life, and to stay with him would feel out of integrity for me. Not knowing any of the answers to the questions: how, what, when, where and why, but determined to find them.
I moved to Taos, New Mexico. I had been painting, was an artist, at that time for almost 5 years, picking up a brush for the first time in May of 2003 and knowing that I truly was an artist. Always with the inner knowledge that I could support myself painting – NEVER any doubt. However, I started listening to the “nay-sayers”, the “well-poisoners”, making others realities mine (always did have boundary issues) and went into fear (really nasty place – believe me). And, I began my search – for ME. Looking everywhere, working with a personal coach, studying meditation, energy healing, ANY spiritual practice that presented itself to me. I received a certificate as a personal coach, a home-stager, matrix energetics healer, and went to a movers and shakers marketing workshop in Marina del Rey, California. Always searching, but not quite finding. Always eager to move on to the next step, and not enjoying the moment (except while in California where I found a nearly whole starfish on Venice Beach at 11 in the morning – sign??). Looking for me. Finding incredible mentors, coaches and friends along the way, but still not discovering who Paula was. I tried on many hats (ask my friend Brooke – it was the “career – de – jour” for a while!), but only a couple of ideas seemed to continually repeat themselves. I read self-help books and listened to spiritual gurus wondering what these people “had” that I didn’t.
Turns out – they had themselves. They all believed in who they were. They all followed their passions. They followed their bliss – who they were. They dropped their fear, and came into their center and loved………themselves. There is no greater love than that of love of self. Only then can you truly love others, and give love unconditionally. I had a shift – a BIG one – (this makes me giggle almost uncontrollably as my partner – who has been incredibly supportive throughout this painful, long process – calls me the Queen of Shifts). I started looking at what gifts I possessed. Gifts I had received from Creator/God/Spirit. Who I was. What I would “do” if I didn’t “have” to make an income.
It always came back to Art – Art first, buying houses and turning them into homes second, and spiritual coaching third. All of these alchemical processes. It was the birth of Coming Home Alchemy.
I started deliberately setting intentions while I meditated to allow Spirit to come through me in the way that was unique to only me. In a way that brings me joy, serves Creator, in a way that allows me to “be” who I am. I surrendered. I allowed. And……I started painting…..incredible paintings. It was as if Spirit said to me “Welcome back, little one, to yourself, to the divineness that is you.” So thankful that I waited for me. This is who I am….an artist….a creative being. I allow God – the God that is within all of us – to come through the talent of my brush, through the talent of my ability to create sacred spaces, through the talent of my ability to help others.
I’ll be honest, when I first wanted to paint “Thirty in 30”, it started as “100 in 30”. I wanted to make a BIG statement. I wanted people to look at me. I wanted recognition. Heck, I wanted to make Money (such ego driven reasons). But…..Anita Ellison….Act 1 Gallery owner, who has graciously allowed me my journey, requested that I really contemplate the reason for the painting spree. I concluded – I was doing this for me – to come home to me – to simply “be” me. I’m not a human “doing”, I am a human “being”. Thank you, Anita.
Please, enjoy my “Thirty in 30”. It is a delight to share a part of my soul, my being with the world. I thank you.
When you know that it is enough to “be” exactly who you are,
in spite of what others “say or think” about you,
then you have truly “become.”